I am a failure...

2010 : I've decided, to work hard, to push myself to the max, cause I want to achieve something for my parents, I don't want them to think that I am just a normal kid, I want to be like my sister, I don't want EVERYONE to think that I am just a playful and lazy guy. I even gave up my relationship and set my goal straight, to study hard, I don't mean to show to other students that I am smarter than them, cause I am not, I am really NOT, I don't reason, I just accept it and keep it for exam. All I want is just to get a scholarship so that my parents no need to spend so much on me and they can keep for their retirement. There is nothing but stress and frustration when I am pushing myself, there is nothing but formulas and calculations, I was alone all the time, with God, I prayed everyday, every night, and every time I don't understand. At last I did it, achieved a very good result, a result which I can never imagine I will be this good, parents were happy, with this result I was very confident I can definitely get a scholarship. But it is not, I get nothing, but my good friend got the scholarship, my result was better than his, and I believe his family is doing better than mine, from every aspect I am definitely a better candidate, I should be the one!! But instead he got it, and he is happily maintaining his result now.. Ok, I never give up, I tried other scholarship but in the end get nothing too, even a damn fucking loan they also never offer me!!! 3.85 still not enough?? What they want somemore??

2011 : I have to stick with this ptptn, and they don't even loan half of my fees to me, my parents still have to pay the fees, I am really hopeless. But I know it is not the end, I know someday I can make it. I continue to give my best, maybe not the best I used to give in 2010, but I still struggle. Finally, I got the chance, a chance to change everything, I will not tell what is it for now, maybe later, but something went wrong again, I've lost hope, I am lost, I am like a person who got no direction now.. I am nothing but a failure, I am sorry everyone. Good night..